I teach acting, or at least I used to. I became the department chair in July, so now my job is listening to everybody's problems. But before this I taught acting, and one of my classes was called "Auditions." There is no mystery in that title. I honestly taught students how to audition for shows, or anyway how not to. So I know a little bit about it.
It occurred to me recently that many people audition for community plays and theatre with no knowledge or training on how to audition. I'm sure in some places, rural folksy places, a badly chosen monologue is cute and a warbly song is endearing, but not in Utah. Utah, for whatever reason (MORMONS) seems to have a real knack for the arts. And we are a little competitive. And you can't just walk into an audition looking like some yahoo or Mammy Yokum with yer cutesy story and 16 bars of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart." No sir. We're out for blood. And in the world of Utah community theatre, there will be blood.
So maybe I can help. Hoping to nail that dream role? Looking to make some new friends? Ready to spend six weeks in the world of lip buzzes and back rubs? Here's a few things to consider before you walk into that audition room:
1. Don't wear crazy crap. I mean it. Seriously - not even stripes. Solid colors, always. Don't have crazy hair. Ever. Ladies, don't hobble in on high heels all spangled up like you came from trollop church. Gentlemen, crazy ripped top-stitched jeans or an ironic t-shirt do not help you. All we remember is your dumb outfit. You are fighting a losing battle. Be conservative. Dress like you were recently birthed from the loins of JC Penney. Ask yourself "is there any way my outfit can be more boring?" If the answer is yes, hit that. I wish I was exaggerating. If I can't remember your face but I remember your sparkly booty shorts (GUYS) then you lost.
2. If you are auditioning for a musical, it's a safe bet we'll need you to sing. So maybe you're not a great singer? I'm not - it's ok! Why not hold out for a straight play? And if you're determined to sing for us anyway, maybe it would be a good idea to get a little coaching first? LIFE COACHING? Also, if you are a marginal singer you better be an amazing dancer. You better be on the hot tamale train. Because most musical theatre people are great singers but not great dancers, or they're vice versa. So which are you? Neither? Hmmmm. Save yourself some pain and try out for that new Agatha Christie thriller they're doing down at the five and dime. You'll still make friends and memories and you won't deal with shin splints or judgy gay dudes.
3. If you are auditioning for, say, Oklahoma, don't pick a song to sing from Oklahoma. Pick a song from that genre. Here are some terrible songs to pick anytime:
Ladies:
I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis
Castle in the Cloud from Les Mis
Anything from Les Mis
Send in the Clowns (boring!)
I Could Have Danced All Night (too high for you)
Men:
Anything from Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark
Anything from The Book of Mormon (we act like we're cool with it, but we really aren't)
Songs your Grandpa used to sing you when you were a kid (probably racist)
Cultural songs from your mission
Anything that indicates you should be dancing at that moment
4. DON'T DANCE DURING YOUR SONG.
5. You need to slate. You need to tell us who you are. Do you have a headshot? Great! Did your mom or roommate take it? Not great. You gotta spend money to make money in this biz. Save up, get some snappy headshots, zip yourself out a little CV and you are ready to rock! Do not list high school plays on your CV. I would rather see six inches of blank page than your high school reel.
6. Don't talk too much before your audition. Don't walk in and try to engage us in conversation. Think of yourself as a very, very special robot. If we ask you how you are, or apologize for the wait, or compliment your slacks, you may respond. But don't come in all chatty and casual and expect us to match that. We're probably grouchy because we've seen a million people wearing crazy crap and singing Les Mis. We'll say hello, you say hello, and then we all launch right into your audition. It's not personal. Actually, it is personal, but that's a topic for another time.
7. You are being timed, most likely. If you go over time, someone will say STOP. You should stop. Maybe you should time your pieces before you come?
um, that's all I can think of right now. Do you have any more questions for me? Go ahead and list them in the comments and I'll respond. I'm sure there are a ton of things I can answer. Also: there is no casting couch in Utah, so DON'T ASK. Also: don't chew gum. Sorry, I wish I had more do's than don'ts - it makes me sound so negative. Basically DO not do all those things. Contact me below. I want to help.
Why do directors ask for monologues in an audition? No, really. Why?
ReplyDeleteBecause they want to see if you can act. And everyone loves to see something from The Glass Menagerie!
DeleteHow many donuts does it take to get the part?
ReplyDeleteRehearsal Tracks! (donut)
DeleteBut seriously, great post. And I'm with Amy. I hate monologues, but I think I can guess that the reason people want to see them is because it shows if you can make your own choices, take your own risks, etc. before you get any further into the process. Is that right?
ReplyDeleteYes. And it's also kind of about choice. If you pick a really smart, thoughtful monologue that suits you and hasn't been done four hundred times that day, you look fantastic.
DeleteWith monologues I use the rule of twos: if you have seen it done by an actor and you love it, steal it and use it! If you've seen it done twice by two different actors, it's overdone. Leave it alone.
Excellent assumption, Hailey. You are absolutely correct! I couldn't have said it better. Thanks for actually thinking about the method behind the madness instead of just complaining about it.
DeleteWell reasoned and intelligently expressed!
How do I get to Trollup Church? Because I think their Fast and Testimony meeting would be Boss.
ReplyDeleteTake the halfpenny steamer past Waterloo Bridge and ask for "Saucy Jack." He'll take you there. IF YOU GET THERE
DeleteI just want someone to like me...Is that so wrong??????
ReplyDeleteWard, is this a real question? The whole reason why people become actors is so that they will be liked. So yes, it's wrong. But in your case? Too late!
DeleteI get the whole 16 bars thing, but seriously, you can't do squat in 16 bars. Especially if you have nerves, and are human. Any suggestions?
ReplyDelete16 Bars is a lie. We say 16 Bars when we mean we want you to sing something and we don't want it to go on forever. A nice chunk of any song, regardless of bar count, should do just fine. None of us are counting.
DeleteExcellent PSA. Thanks for telling people to stop sending in the clowns.
ReplyDeleteI could have danced all night is NOT too high for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for this! Quite a lot of this could be applied to how you "audition" for costume designers, producers, stage managers etc.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for this! Quite a lot of this could be applied to how you "audition" for costume designers, producers, stage managers etc.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff, you should teach a class on this. :/
ReplyDeleteOK, good stuff, but you need to make an exception to the No Listing of High School Roles rule for people who are just out of/still in high school. Just speaking out for justice for the little people, you know.
ReplyDeleteYes. I always assume I'm talking to a fully grown audience here. You're right.
DeleteAlso, anything from a "made for a major network TV movie" should not be audition material and when you are done, don't say "scene"
ReplyDeleteNice, Topher! I could add a few things, but I'll leave it to the imagination. Congratulations on your appointment!
ReplyDeleteHow about if I sing "Hey, Look me over" with the actions, would that work? It served me well in trying out for the Irving Spirits swing choir in 7th grade. (Lisa and I also did a duo-audition singing the Osmonds "Side by side" that brought the house (room) down.)
ReplyDeleteThis would be the worst possible idea.
DeleteBut the "I figure whenever I'm down and out, the only way is up" is such a turning point!
DeleteI don't mind monologues, I just feel showy offy; which I guess is the point! I love this post and all the comments. I did wear a red dress to an appointment last night. Live and learn!
ReplyDeleteseriously...the Utahns are the most talented turkeys to have ever hatched. You could come to Texas, where we could open our own theater (even though you don't know me from Adam...or Eve, I should say...) and then we could hold some auditions and see some really wacky stuff. Yes, big hair, and lots of bangles and jangles, and tone-deafness out the wazoo. and barbeque.
ReplyDeleteOh, and ask Patrick about our rendition of "Send in the Clowns." I think you'll enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteI spent the summer in Utah, and noticed that everything playing there, outside of University productions, seem to be Musicals. Are there any places that people could audition for non-musicals if they aren't college students? (For those of us that can't sing).
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough gig. There are some - but summertime in Utah is mostly about singing and dancing. If you want money, anyway.
DeleteYou forgot to advise on accents! I think "don't" would be good advice. For my one and only audition about 15 years ago I had to humiliate myself by trying a Southern accent. I was not prepared. They also asked for us to tell a joke and I could only think of a dirty one. It didn't go over well. I now have 30 or so jokes on hand, just in case I never audition again.
ReplyDeleteHowever, for me, the most important learning aspect of the whole thing was as the director was sizing up people and moving them around to compare heights: everyone was doing a jig or a "silly" march to get to their spots. It was then that I realized I just wasn't theater folk.
This terrifies me. But I'm glad to have read it. I'm certain I would have done everything exactly wrong. I still might.
ReplyDeleteI'll have you know I looked this up ON PURPOSE before my audition tonight, and I changed out of my red sequined evening gown and purple wig.
ReplyDelete