So my point is, if I’m making fun of your masculinity, you need to ask yourself some hard questions.
My friend Dale, who has made a number of irresponsible purchases throughout his life, (not the least of which is his unusually large collection of rap albums from the 80s and his habit of buying his deodorant from the $.99 Store), recently purchased a … well, a bracelet. Dale isn’t rich, his burgeoning collection of Run DMC albums aside, and I was surprised to see jewelry hanging from his wrist. Surprised for a number of reasons, quite frankly. This particular wristlet was shiny gold, and quite flashy.
We play racquetball together several times a week, and I noticed the bracelet a few weeks ago. I didn’t say anything at the time. Dale is a lawyer, quite adept at defending his actions and not uncomfortable with confrontation. I have to carefully choose my battles with Dale, even the casual, throwaway ones.
I noticed more recently that the bracelet was missing, and then Dale actually brought it up the other morning, after we were finished playing.
Dale: “You know, I bought a gold bracelet for myself.”
Me: (Slightly caught off guard that he’s mentioning it) “Yessss…I saw that.”
Dale: (Sensing my incredulous response) “Well, you know… I’ve always wanted one.”
Me: “Have you also always wanted a uterus?”
Dale: (Confused, but still defending his purchase) “I think it looks nice on me.”
Me: “Are you wearing it on the cover of your new rap album?”
Dale: “Anyway, the other morning I left it in my jacket, and then I left my jacket here. I came back to check the Lost & Found, and my jacket was here, but the bracelet was gone!”
Me: “…And you think the guy working the Lost & Found took it?”
Dale: “Because it’s an expensive bracelet!”
Me: “Oh, I get it – he wanted to give it to his girlfriend, as a gift.”
Dale: “It’s a man’s bracelet.”
Me: “Did he steal your man-lipstick that was in the pocket too?”
Dale seemed pretty upset; I offered to give him a hug. When he pushed me away I just commented that it must be somebody's time of the month. Ha! Whassup!? Somebody gimme a high-five!